Controlling my Sleep Schedule

I know i have mentioned how hard i was finding it to get my sleep schedule under control. The main problem was that i would sleep at least 10 hrs. but not be tired enough to sleep after 14 hrs of being awake. I needed to be up at least 16 hrs, which with 10 hrs of sleep makes my sleep cycle about 26 hrs long, which does not fit into one day. Even if i tried to stay up all night so i could go to sleep the next night early enough, I would either not be able to fall asleep once evening rolled around, or fall asleep at around 8 and then still sleep in until noon. None of the tricks i have used in the past were working. It didn't help that i had missed a lot of school and was anxious for my first day back. I would be so nervous when i tried to fall asleep, that i would lay awake for hours. The ironic thing was that i was anxious that i wouldn't be able to all asleep. I tried taking my anxiety medication before bed, and that eliminated the worry, but did nothing to help me sleep. I was talking to my mom on the phone, and she recommended melatonin. I had heard of it before, but didn't remember what it was called, or even really think of it for that matter. Melatonin is a chemical your brain releases to indicate that it is time to go to sleep. Taking a Melatonin supplement when your body isn't producing enough can help you sleep. You body should start to produce melatonin in the evening, with levels rising until you go to sleep.

I have been taking a 5mg tablet every night about a half hour before bed, and since then my sleep schedule has been a dream. I am still sleeping ten hours, but i am not going over that. I fall asleep at 10, and then get up at 8 the next morning. The first night i took the melatonin i woke up at 3 am, 6 hours after i had gone to sleep. That is how long the melatonin supplement actually makes me sleep for. I was able to easily fall asleep again, and then woke up for good at 6. The next night i only slept 6 hours, feeling extremely rejuvenated. The night after that i slept twelve hours, and felt a bit tired upon waking. The next night i could have slept only six hours, but was able to sleep ten. Every night since then i have slept nine to ten hours and woken up refreshed.

Basically the first couple of nights my body was getting adjusted to being on a regualr schedule again, and making up for the bad sleep i was having before. The sleep i have had since starting to take this supplement has been so much more restful then any of the sleep i got before. I always woke up tired while my sleep schedule was out of control, even if i slept 12 hrs. Now i am sleeping just the amount my body needs. I just need to be strict with my going to bed on time, which the supplement helps me be. 

For more information check out these links:

http://www.webmd.com/sleep-disorders/tc/melatonin-overview

 http://www.webmd.com/vitamins-supplements/ingredientmono-940-melatonin.aspx?activeIngredientId=940&activeIngredientName=melatonin&source=1

Web MD

So obviously i like web Md. i have recommended some articles from their before. I was just reading one on causes of depression, and the final paragraph caught my eye. It said, "Some people have a clear sense of why they become depressed. Others don't. The most important thing to remember is that depression is not your fault. It's not a flaw in your character. It's a disease that can affect anyone -- and regardless of the cause, there are many good ways to treat it." I like how succinctly it expresses what i consider to be the basic concepts to keep in mind in regards to depression.
Sometimes just knowing you are depressed makes you feel more depressed. For a lot of reasons. You feel like you can't fight it. You feel ashamed. You think no one will ever love you and you will always be alone. Basically there are many diverse reasons to feel even more depressed. I think that if everyone understood the above summation it would really help. I know i am a great person, and that my depression is not my fault. Sometimes it is hard to believe that there will ever be a guy who will understand that enough to look past it and see me. If i knew that people actually understood depression, not in a judgy way, or in a condescending way, it would help me to feel better. I feel like i have to explain myself when i go awol, but at the same time like i can't. When i get really depressed i can disappear for a while. Sometimes it is a couple of hours, sometimes days. I hole up in my room, and try to work through what i am feeling, sometimes through numbing myself with a ton of TV. TV is not really a good option, but i turn to it time and time again. Books used to be my distraction of choice, but i don't own books i haven't read, and when i hole up i don't go to the library to get books. I have recently gotten into ebooks, so i can have access to lots of books from the comfort of my home. I need to leave, but being a pragmatic person i can't leave to just drive becasue that wastes gas, and i don't have somewhere to go, so i stay.

I kind of miss my freshmen year. I never slept, and was stressed a lot, but I worked and played hard, and felt part of a community, and a network of friends. School was hard, but i could handle it, and excel. Life seems simplistic back then, but that happens when you look back on a good memory. Living in the dorms is an iconic experience. You see the people on your floor everywhere. You all eat in the cafeteria, and hang out on your floor or in the lobby. Life is simple. You don't have to cook, and there are frequent social activities. Once you are living in an apartment, things are very different. I think the community is the biggest difference. You come home to a couple of roommates instead of a floor of people. You hang out with neighbors, but it isn't as pervasive.
Just the thought of pending human interaction boosts my mood. I decided to call my friend, with the hope that she would answer, and i started to feel better, before i had even finished dialing her number. She didn't answer, and i called a couple of others, who likewise didn't answer. I am still planning on hanging out with someone, which is why my mood hasn't crashed. I haven't lost hope. It seems silly, but losing hope that there will be anyone to hang out with, or talk to is what kills me. That is why i often don't try, i don't want to be crushed. I am going to call my friend back when i am done with this post, and i am hopeful that i can get a hold of her. Persistent disappointment destroys me, which leads me to not try to contact people very often. I usually only contact someone if we made plans in person, or if i am in a low place and need to get out.
I am one of those people who everyone likes, but no one is particularly cares about. I have many friends, but not many close friends. My freshman year there was a rift in the girls in my floor with everyone choosing a side, and then me. in the middle. I wasn't involved, and neither side had a beef with me. This kind of portrays where i usually end up. even if i start with good friends i end up being a nice person who everyone likes, but who no one thinks to contact to hang out with. That is who i was in high school, and who i am now. I don't want to be alone, but i see no way out of it. people don't answer when i call, and don't respond when i text. I get a response the next day saying they were busy. I am drowning in myself. I don't want to be retreated into myself, but i feel trapped here. I even start losing my ability to communicate when i am with people. Not always, but i retreat into myself in company now too. I can't help it. I have always been a very outgoing crazy person, but i am losing that. i am spending to much time alone. I just want to be my happy crazy self.  

Depression Triggers

Web Md has a slideshow of depression triggers to watch out for. I was looking through it, and found things that i need to look out for. I thought that it could be a helpful source for others with depression or who are concerned that they might have depression. Not all of the triggers apply to everyone, but it is helpful to see things that might be causing your depression to worsen. Here is the link to the slideshow:

http://www.webmd.com/healthy-aging/ss/slideshow-depression-triggers-and-aging?ecd=wnl_emw_101012&ctr=wnl-emw-101012_ld-stry&bookmark=true&login=true

I have been feeling a little more depressed lately, and it helped me to look at this list and identify things that i need to focus on to help me feel less depressed. It is tempting to think that an increase in depression should automatically mean that a change in medication is needed. Depression is a chemical issue, but one that can have environmental triggers. If you are on medication that has been working, and there is a change in your mood, looking at environmental triggers should be the first step. If your change in mood is caused by an environmental trigger then increasing medication won't solve the problem. Your medication is solving the chemical issue in your brain, but even so environmental triggers affect you. Even someone who doesn't have a chemical imbalance is affected by environmental triggers. It is tempting to think that because you have a problem with depression that any increase in depression is caused by your problem. I was falling into the same pitfall, and this article helped me to realize that i do have changes in environment that are triggering this change in mood. They are somewhat small changes, which i why i didn't see them at first.
For example, I was dealing with the amount of loneliness that i had been feeling, but a friend who has been bailing on hanging out has made me feel even more lonely. I am no more alone then i was before, but the promise of hanging out with a friend, only to spend the time alone makes me feel lonely again. I was coping with the loneliness before, but this added loneliness caused me to feel more depressed. I am also growing tired of the things i was doing to ignore my loneliness, like watching TV. I feel like i can't don my homework, and it has been hard for me to go into school. I feel like i am not up to the work i need to do now. I try to ignore it and stay at home. This furthers my separation from people, which aggravates the problems of loneliness and feelings of inadequacy. When i am depressed holding kiwi has felt like work, cutting off another source of comfort. I need to constantly distract myself, and so i am distracted when i hold kiwi, which makes her mad, and me not really receive any comfort from it. The times where i have gotten the most comfort from kiwi is when we are both tired, and she just wants to cuddle up to me, and i just focus on her, and how good it feels to have her there. I feel better at night, which is just another drive for me to become a night owl. I need to be a day person though. I don't like waking up or going to sleep. I am more alert at night, which makes it hard to try and sleep. If i stay up later it is easier. I don't like doing work at home. I have been seeking solace in doing crafts at my apartment. When i use all sides of my awesome personality i feel balanced and happy. When i am in school i usually don't have time for creative outlets. I get so starved of creativity i binge and spend a couple of days working nonstop on some craft until i complete it.
My major has just gotten harder and harder, and makes me feel stupider and stupider. I still like chemistry, but i feel inadequate to work in chemistry. I didn't used to feel this way. I used to have excitement and joy from learning chemistry. Now i fell like it doesn't matter and i just have to get through, trying to understand as best i can. I am in a comparative lit class right now that i am really loving. It is really easy. I love learning more about the Greek and Roman cultures, and here my teachers insights on the literature. Understanding literature comes very naturally to me. I have a lot of insight. I used to have a lot of insight in chemistry. Maybe i really am a jack of all trades, master of none. I am good at the basics of a lot of things, but i don't have true mastery of anything. I love trying new things, which has contributed to this. I don't want to go to grad school anymore. I want to get married so i can stay at home and work on what it will, with no real obligations to outside forces. I need friends. I don't really have any. I made a lot of friends freshman year, but we have grown apart, and i haven't really made friends since then. My friend from high school started here a year ago, and she has some empathy for what i am feeling. We but heads a lot though, and i just back off a lot because i don't want to be argumentative. I don't see her that much either. We have been making an effort over the past few weeks to hang out, but she is busy. She doesn't have the problems focusing on school that i have been having. We are talking of being roommates next school year because we both realize the importance of having your roommates be friends so you have people to talk when you get home, and so when you are hanging out at home you can still hang out with friends. It is nice to just have friends who are there when you get home, who are convenient to hang out with, but who you also really like to hang out with. I miss that. I had that freshman year, but not really since then. Over summer One of my roommates became a friend, and by the end we were hanging out at home. Maybe that is part of why i have been lonely. I miss that. I barely talk to my current roommate. I don't want to go through the whole school year without a roommate who is my friend. I would like to befriend my current roommate, but she seems private. Maybe she is intimidated of befriending me like i am of her. She seems really nice. I need joy and laughter in my life. I have been substituting laughter from TV, but i need real laughter, and real joy. Cooking and eating real food has helped. I want someone who cares about me who is near enough to lean on.
Sorry this post has been kind of depressing. I want this blog to be upbeat and help others, but it is also a chronicle, and chronicles aren't always upbeat. 

Deplin (L-methylfolate)

Deplin is a medical food that is used to boost the effects of antidepressants. It is a vitamin (a water soluble form of B9), which is why it is classified as a medical food instead of a medication. It is used by your body to help produce neurotransmitters that affect mood. When you eat folate or folic acid your body breaks it down to L-methylfolate, but for a lot of people with depression your body can't do that. "It has been shown that as many as 70% of people with depression have a genetic error called the MTHFR polymorphism that limits their body’s ability to reduce dietary folate or folic acid into L-methylfolate" (http://www.deplin.com/folate-for-depression/). I look up each medication that i am put on and research it until i feel comfortable that i know the purpose, and side effects of said medication. When i read up on deplin i found it very interesting, especially the stuff about MTHFR gene. For more info on that check out this website:

 http://ghr.nlm.nih.gov/gene/MTHFR

I would recommend to anyone that has health issues that require medication that you are as informed as possible to your situation medically including the medications that you are taking. nim.nih.gov has a lot of information on medications and such. It is really helpful to read what it has to say on the medications you are on. They are my favorite source when i look up information on a new medication. The site for the specific drug will also be helpful. Part of why i like the government website is because its purpose is to convey the facts, whereas the manufacturer website has some element of persuasion behind their description of their medication.
If you are currently on or interested in deplin i would recommend checking out these two sites:

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19169195

http://www.deplin.com/

In summary, i find deplin very interesting, as well as effective. I am grateful for the research into this field that has enabled the understanding of the genetic defect and a way to negate its effects.

Reduced Anxiety and Stress

So I realized that i have been able to think and make plans for the future without getting super stressed. Not that i am planning out my entire life. I am able to look for housing, and plan my classes, even with burgeoning pressure without shutting down because of anxiety. I am really grateful for the medications that are able to balance the chemicals in my head so that i can actually function. It wasn't until my anxiety was diminished that i realized how much anxiety i was having before that. People used to get angry at me because i could remember almost word for word our conversations. They didn't like having their words handed back to them. I realized that i used to be so anxious all of the time that as i walked away from a conversation where anything of merit had happened, from someone making a promise to me feeling stupid, i would repeat the conversation over and over in my head until my anxiety lessened. It kind of feels weird to not remember everything in such great detail, but it really feels good to not feel so anxious. It kind of sucks for school, because i am pretty sure my memory just isn't as good as it used to be, which is disappointing. I would take lower anxiety over the increase in memory any day. Well maybe not on test days... Obviously it isn't perfect, but i have little realizations all of the time about how it helps my life. A lot of people don't understand what real depression is like. They don't fully understand that chemicals in your brain are responsible for the emotions we feel. Our brain releases chemicals depending on the situation so we associate it appropriately. When your brain has an issue with the way it produces chemicals, it isn't your fault. You can learn to live with it, like i did with constant anxiety, or now there are medications that can help balance the chemicals in your brain. My dad used to be really cranky until he started taking medication for his anxiety. He isn't on a daily pill, but when his anxiety overwhelms him he can take a pill to correct for it. It can be hard to realize how jaded your view is through anxiety. You think you are being perfectly reasonable, but if you didn't have that anxiety you would be better prepared to function in that situation. I am really grateful for the advances in the medical field that have greatly affected my life. Who knows where i would be without them.

My Bird Kiwi

I got Kiwi for my 15th birthday. She is a green parrotlet (aka pocket parrot). At the time she was one of many pets at my moms house. We had three dogs, a goat, and my mom also had a bird named Zek (an African Grey). When I went away to college i had no pets. It was very sad. I was busy enough freshmen year that it wasn't as noticeable, plus i was able to go home pretty often. At that point Kiwi, Zek, and our dog tracker were all that was left of our huge menagerie of pets. I couldn't find any apartments that allowed pets, so originally Kiwi stayed in back home. I was able to get permission to have kiwi as an emotional support animal by giving a doctors note to my apartment complex. It was awesome. i suddenly had someone/thing that needed me, cared if i didn't get out of bed all day, and was really glad to see me when i got home after a long day of school and work. I had been feeling really lonely at my apartment and then once i had kiwi i wasn't anymore. I would still get bored but it was a significant improvement on life. I love kiwi so much, and i can tell she loves me to. She has so much personality. She doesn't mind chewing me out at all, but then she can be really affectionate. We know each other really well, and can read what the other one is thinking. I can tell by her body positions and where she is standing in her cage what she is thinking. She has been a huge blessing in my life.

I feel like i should mention that you should not get a pet unless you are ready for the commitment. Parrotlets can live for up to twenty years, and  bigger parrots can live longer. They need daily care and attention. If you are new to pets it might be better to start with something a little more low maintenance, before jumping into a pet that you aren't ready for. Budgies don't live as long if you still are wanting a bird. If you are considering a pet, scout out your options and do a lot of research into the requirements as a pet owner of the animals you are considering.
Also kids who are raised in homes with pets are less likely to have respiratory problems like asthma or allergies to pets.
Dogs are awesome, but can be a lot of work. I love dogs, but it isn't feasible for me to get one right now because i don't have the time to dedicate to training the dog. I miss having one though. The next pet i am going to get is a dog.Labs are my favorite type of dogs because they make great family dogs. We mostly had labs while i was growing up, and they were always awesome with kids.

Symptoms

I thought it might be helpful to post the list of symptoms my doctor gave me when he was diagnosing me. He told me that if you have 5-7 of these symptoms you have Primary Affective Disorder aka Depression.

Increased:
irritation
guilt
fears
fatigue
apathy
escape thoughts
sleep
appetite

Decreased:
mood
motivation
fun
interest
hope
descision making
self worth
memory
concentration
sleep
appetite

Sleeping, my love/hate relationship...

So basically sleeping and i don't really get along, even though i love sleeping deeply... I don't think its my fault, i blame Depression for screwing with my relationship with sleeping. One of the signs of depression is sleeping way to much or not nearly enough. Ughh. You wake up tired either way, whether you have overslept or under-slept. My first year of college before i was on any meds i slept 3-5 hours a night, and then about 10 on weekends. I actually felt great a lot of the time, and was really focused and doing well. With winter came depression, but i still managed to do my work, I just avoided people. As soon as i got home for the summer boom i was sleeping 12 a night. At first i thought it was just catching up, but three months later when i could not wake up with less then twelve hours of sleep i was concerned. I would sleep in, and then not be tired until 14-16 hours later, so then when i slept twelve hours after going to bed successively later i was sleeping in successively later. If my mom came in and chewed me out and stayed til i got up i could get up but would feel really tired. At the end of the summer i started on Prozac and it was amazing that i could sleep 8 hours and feel rested. I felt like i could take on the world. When bouts of depression would come, a lot of times i would sleep them off. If i wasn't depressed i could still sleep fine. Then this spring and summer rolled around and it got progressively harder for me to wake up/go to sleep. I don't know why summer makes me so sleepy, but it does. Anyways i worked out a system where i take my Seroquel at precisely 8 PM, and then at 10/11 i start getting ready for bed even though i don't want to. If i do this i can get up at about nine the next morning. At least i'm not sleeping through the day anymore... If only i could be nocturnal :P

Guess I should start by giving a brief description of myself. I was diagnosed with ADD as a child, but was never put on medication for it because the Doctor recommended a medication that my mom severely objected to. As a result i developed natural controls to manage. I had a pretty good system going. I was diagnosed with depression just before starting my sophomore year at college. I started on medication and became a lot happier. Then when school started I realized my natural controls weren't working to control my ADD because i was on medication with a side affect of causing inattention, so i started on meds for my ADD as well. After about a semester of messing around with the medications my doctor and i felt like we had gotten a mix that would work for me. It was a rough semester. I am currently on Adderall, Prozac, Deplin, and Seroquel. I have a bottle of Xanex in case I start having a panic attack. My dad and a few of my siblings are on meds for anxiety problems. I have problems with looking to far into the future. It stresses me out to try to plan farther then a few days. When i was applying to colleges i had a few panic attacks. It was super scary. I wondered if i was having a heart attack the first time. I realized what it was though, and rode it out until it past. I left the trigger (a college application) and just focused on breathing (which i was having problems with). I made everyone who was pestering me leave. My mom can get naggy when she is worried, and so she gets really naggy about things that are already causing me a lot of undo stress, making everything a lot worse. She thinks i won't do it if she doesn't nag me, but really I have to trick myself into doing a little at a time until i start to feel stressed. When she comes in as i am starting and nags me that i haven't done enough yet it makes my stress jump and i can't work on it anymore, which leads to more nagging. Luckily living away from home panic attacks isn't something i have to worry about to much.