Web MD

So obviously i like web Md. i have recommended some articles from their before. I was just reading one on causes of depression, and the final paragraph caught my eye. It said, "Some people have a clear sense of why they become depressed. Others don't. The most important thing to remember is that depression is not your fault. It's not a flaw in your character. It's a disease that can affect anyone -- and regardless of the cause, there are many good ways to treat it." I like how succinctly it expresses what i consider to be the basic concepts to keep in mind in regards to depression.
Sometimes just knowing you are depressed makes you feel more depressed. For a lot of reasons. You feel like you can't fight it. You feel ashamed. You think no one will ever love you and you will always be alone. Basically there are many diverse reasons to feel even more depressed. I think that if everyone understood the above summation it would really help. I know i am a great person, and that my depression is not my fault. Sometimes it is hard to believe that there will ever be a guy who will understand that enough to look past it and see me. If i knew that people actually understood depression, not in a judgy way, or in a condescending way, it would help me to feel better. I feel like i have to explain myself when i go awol, but at the same time like i can't. When i get really depressed i can disappear for a while. Sometimes it is a couple of hours, sometimes days. I hole up in my room, and try to work through what i am feeling, sometimes through numbing myself with a ton of TV. TV is not really a good option, but i turn to it time and time again. Books used to be my distraction of choice, but i don't own books i haven't read, and when i hole up i don't go to the library to get books. I have recently gotten into ebooks, so i can have access to lots of books from the comfort of my home. I need to leave, but being a pragmatic person i can't leave to just drive becasue that wastes gas, and i don't have somewhere to go, so i stay.

I kind of miss my freshmen year. I never slept, and was stressed a lot, but I worked and played hard, and felt part of a community, and a network of friends. School was hard, but i could handle it, and excel. Life seems simplistic back then, but that happens when you look back on a good memory. Living in the dorms is an iconic experience. You see the people on your floor everywhere. You all eat in the cafeteria, and hang out on your floor or in the lobby. Life is simple. You don't have to cook, and there are frequent social activities. Once you are living in an apartment, things are very different. I think the community is the biggest difference. You come home to a couple of roommates instead of a floor of people. You hang out with neighbors, but it isn't as pervasive.
Just the thought of pending human interaction boosts my mood. I decided to call my friend, with the hope that she would answer, and i started to feel better, before i had even finished dialing her number. She didn't answer, and i called a couple of others, who likewise didn't answer. I am still planning on hanging out with someone, which is why my mood hasn't crashed. I haven't lost hope. It seems silly, but losing hope that there will be anyone to hang out with, or talk to is what kills me. That is why i often don't try, i don't want to be crushed. I am going to call my friend back when i am done with this post, and i am hopeful that i can get a hold of her. Persistent disappointment destroys me, which leads me to not try to contact people very often. I usually only contact someone if we made plans in person, or if i am in a low place and need to get out.
I am one of those people who everyone likes, but no one is particularly cares about. I have many friends, but not many close friends. My freshman year there was a rift in the girls in my floor with everyone choosing a side, and then me. in the middle. I wasn't involved, and neither side had a beef with me. This kind of portrays where i usually end up. even if i start with good friends i end up being a nice person who everyone likes, but who no one thinks to contact to hang out with. That is who i was in high school, and who i am now. I don't want to be alone, but i see no way out of it. people don't answer when i call, and don't respond when i text. I get a response the next day saying they were busy. I am drowning in myself. I don't want to be retreated into myself, but i feel trapped here. I even start losing my ability to communicate when i am with people. Not always, but i retreat into myself in company now too. I can't help it. I have always been a very outgoing crazy person, but i am losing that. i am spending to much time alone. I just want to be my happy crazy self.  

Depression Triggers

Web Md has a slideshow of depression triggers to watch out for. I was looking through it, and found things that i need to look out for. I thought that it could be a helpful source for others with depression or who are concerned that they might have depression. Not all of the triggers apply to everyone, but it is helpful to see things that might be causing your depression to worsen. Here is the link to the slideshow:

http://www.webmd.com/healthy-aging/ss/slideshow-depression-triggers-and-aging?ecd=wnl_emw_101012&ctr=wnl-emw-101012_ld-stry&bookmark=true&login=true

I have been feeling a little more depressed lately, and it helped me to look at this list and identify things that i need to focus on to help me feel less depressed. It is tempting to think that an increase in depression should automatically mean that a change in medication is needed. Depression is a chemical issue, but one that can have environmental triggers. If you are on medication that has been working, and there is a change in your mood, looking at environmental triggers should be the first step. If your change in mood is caused by an environmental trigger then increasing medication won't solve the problem. Your medication is solving the chemical issue in your brain, but even so environmental triggers affect you. Even someone who doesn't have a chemical imbalance is affected by environmental triggers. It is tempting to think that because you have a problem with depression that any increase in depression is caused by your problem. I was falling into the same pitfall, and this article helped me to realize that i do have changes in environment that are triggering this change in mood. They are somewhat small changes, which i why i didn't see them at first.
For example, I was dealing with the amount of loneliness that i had been feeling, but a friend who has been bailing on hanging out has made me feel even more lonely. I am no more alone then i was before, but the promise of hanging out with a friend, only to spend the time alone makes me feel lonely again. I was coping with the loneliness before, but this added loneliness caused me to feel more depressed. I am also growing tired of the things i was doing to ignore my loneliness, like watching TV. I feel like i can't don my homework, and it has been hard for me to go into school. I feel like i am not up to the work i need to do now. I try to ignore it and stay at home. This furthers my separation from people, which aggravates the problems of loneliness and feelings of inadequacy. When i am depressed holding kiwi has felt like work, cutting off another source of comfort. I need to constantly distract myself, and so i am distracted when i hold kiwi, which makes her mad, and me not really receive any comfort from it. The times where i have gotten the most comfort from kiwi is when we are both tired, and she just wants to cuddle up to me, and i just focus on her, and how good it feels to have her there. I feel better at night, which is just another drive for me to become a night owl. I need to be a day person though. I don't like waking up or going to sleep. I am more alert at night, which makes it hard to try and sleep. If i stay up later it is easier. I don't like doing work at home. I have been seeking solace in doing crafts at my apartment. When i use all sides of my awesome personality i feel balanced and happy. When i am in school i usually don't have time for creative outlets. I get so starved of creativity i binge and spend a couple of days working nonstop on some craft until i complete it.
My major has just gotten harder and harder, and makes me feel stupider and stupider. I still like chemistry, but i feel inadequate to work in chemistry. I didn't used to feel this way. I used to have excitement and joy from learning chemistry. Now i fell like it doesn't matter and i just have to get through, trying to understand as best i can. I am in a comparative lit class right now that i am really loving. It is really easy. I love learning more about the Greek and Roman cultures, and here my teachers insights on the literature. Understanding literature comes very naturally to me. I have a lot of insight. I used to have a lot of insight in chemistry. Maybe i really am a jack of all trades, master of none. I am good at the basics of a lot of things, but i don't have true mastery of anything. I love trying new things, which has contributed to this. I don't want to go to grad school anymore. I want to get married so i can stay at home and work on what it will, with no real obligations to outside forces. I need friends. I don't really have any. I made a lot of friends freshman year, but we have grown apart, and i haven't really made friends since then. My friend from high school started here a year ago, and she has some empathy for what i am feeling. We but heads a lot though, and i just back off a lot because i don't want to be argumentative. I don't see her that much either. We have been making an effort over the past few weeks to hang out, but she is busy. She doesn't have the problems focusing on school that i have been having. We are talking of being roommates next school year because we both realize the importance of having your roommates be friends so you have people to talk when you get home, and so when you are hanging out at home you can still hang out with friends. It is nice to just have friends who are there when you get home, who are convenient to hang out with, but who you also really like to hang out with. I miss that. I had that freshman year, but not really since then. Over summer One of my roommates became a friend, and by the end we were hanging out at home. Maybe that is part of why i have been lonely. I miss that. I barely talk to my current roommate. I don't want to go through the whole school year without a roommate who is my friend. I would like to befriend my current roommate, but she seems private. Maybe she is intimidated of befriending me like i am of her. She seems really nice. I need joy and laughter in my life. I have been substituting laughter from TV, but i need real laughter, and real joy. Cooking and eating real food has helped. I want someone who cares about me who is near enough to lean on.
Sorry this post has been kind of depressing. I want this blog to be upbeat and help others, but it is also a chronicle, and chronicles aren't always upbeat.