I kind of miss my freshmen year. I never slept, and was stressed a lot, but I worked and played hard, and felt part of a community, and a network of friends. School was hard, but i could handle it, and excel. Life seems simplistic back then, but that happens when you look back on a good memory. Living in the dorms is an iconic experience. You see the people on your floor everywhere. You all eat in the cafeteria, and hang out on your floor or in the lobby. Life is simple. You don't have to cook, and there are frequent social activities. Once you are living in an apartment, things are very different. I think the community is the biggest difference. You come home to a couple of roommates instead of a floor of people. You hang out with neighbors, but it isn't as pervasive.
Just the thought of pending human interaction boosts my mood. I decided to call my friend, with the hope that she would answer, and i started to feel better, before i had even finished dialing her number. She didn't answer, and i called a couple of others, who likewise didn't answer. I am still planning on hanging out with someone, which is why my mood hasn't crashed. I haven't lost hope. It seems silly, but losing hope that there will be anyone to hang out with, or talk to is what kills me. That is why i often don't try, i don't want to be crushed. I am going to call my friend back when i am done with this post, and i am hopeful that i can get a hold of her. Persistent disappointment destroys me, which leads me to not try to contact people very often. I usually only contact someone if we made plans in person, or if i am in a low place and need to get out.
I am one of those people who everyone likes, but no one is particularly cares about. I have many friends, but not many close friends. My freshman year there was a rift in the girls in my floor with everyone choosing a side, and then me. in the middle. I wasn't involved, and neither side had a beef with me. This kind of portrays where i usually end up. even if i start with good friends i end up being a nice person who everyone likes, but who no one thinks to contact to hang out with. That is who i was in high school, and who i am now. I don't want to be alone, but i see no way out of it. people don't answer when i call, and don't respond when i text. I get a response the next day saying they were busy. I am drowning in myself. I don't want to be retreated into myself, but i feel trapped here. I even start losing my ability to communicate when i am with people. Not always, but i retreat into myself in company now too. I can't help it. I have always been a very outgoing crazy person, but i am losing that. i am spending to much time alone. I just want to be my happy crazy self.